151 Rules of Power Metal!

1. The higher the vocals the better.
2. Come smell the glove.
3. There's no such thing as too tight clothing.
4. When in doubt write songs about Tolkien.
5. Sing songs about medieval battles, swords and flying horses.
6. Write a ballad about fallen heroes and live the part.
7. Put stickers on your guitar (preferably a Stratocaster).
8. Include words like triumphant, majestic and victorious in every chorus.
9. Reviews must contain at least one reference to "epic", "majestic" or "opus" to be considered good.
10. Look to the 80s for fashion tips.
11. Act interested in women.
12. Ensure your fans are happy at gigs by asking between each song “Is everybody happy?” and don’t forget to give each one a big hug at the end.
13. Buy a Manowar shirt for every day of the week.
14. When not wearing a Manowar T-shirt, Blind Guardian or Lost Horizon Tees may be worn, or even a frilly shirt with lace, but only if under a leather jacket.
15. Lace boys do cabaret.
16. Always sing along to the "Whhoooooaaaaaa"s, NEVER sing along to the "Yaaaahhhhhh"s.
17. The two greatest activities in life are listening to Manowar, and playing
Dungeons & Dragons. Don’t let a woman tell you otherwise.
18. You knew who Gandalf and Frodo were 10 years ago. The people who only discovered them 5 years ago are dorks.
19. Get your hair stylised.
20. You should always politely ask your sister before using her hair spray, unless of course she makes fun of your hair.
21. Never book two gigs on two consecutive nights within 500 miles of each other.
22. Always make sure your hair is long and rebellious by using a quality hair products. They’re expensive, but you are worth it.
23. Never pass a mirror without glancing at it.
24. Keep the weight down, this isn’t Hardcore
25. Don't pop your pimples when you’re wearing your Manowar T-shirt, you’ll ruin it. For some this will mean never popping your pimples.
26. You never need to explain why Poison ballads suck but Manowar ballads rule.
27. If you get caught air guitaring in your tight pants and Manowar shirt to AC/DC, claim you are having an epileptic fit.
28. There's no need for originality when you have perfect innovation with Manowar, Helloween, and Blind Guardian.
29. Don't give up hope, Kai Hansen will sing on your band's CD someday.
30. Know the difference between Teutonic Knights and Knights Templar, and aspire to become one.
31. Guitarists: Any song without at least 2 guitar harmonies is crap
32. Disgruntled Keyboardists: It is unacceptable to urinate on your band members.
33. Dream about being a Viking Metal Warrior whilst you’re sleeping in the van on the way to your next gig.
34. Always make sure the wind blows through your hair when you've got one foot on the monitor.
35. Gargle with lemon juice to ensure vocal chords are tighter than a Thrasher Jeans.
36. Ensure your jeans are tighter than a Thrasher jeans, and made of leather with a lace-up crouch.
37. Make sure you’ve been to the toilet before you lace your jeans up.
38. Don't be ashamed if your voice cracks as you try to sing as high as Timo Kotipelto and Joacim Cans. Nobody’s perfect.
39. If you keep practicing your high notes, Tobias Sammett will invite you to sing on his next Metal Opera.
40. Deny you 'loved' Rob Halford after he 'came out'
41. Claim wearing leather, studs and peaked cap is hard and not in the least gay, despite what Hardcore people (and Rob Halford) think
42. Run to the hills
43. Claim that you knew all along that when you got there, there would be nothing to do and come back purposefully.
44. Repeat 42.
45. To break glass, you must warble (tighten those trousers)
46. Cheese is something you eat and has nothing at all to do with the music you play or the lyrics you write.
47. Pretend you have fought in a medieval battle somewhere and are proficient in sword skills.
48. Always return your library books on time to avoid fines.
49. Curl your lip, frown excessively and fold your arms during band promo shoots
50. Show the world that you really are good at art and your old art teacher was wrong when he said you'd never amount to anything, by drawing your own album covers in coloured pencil and crayon and never tell anyone about the 20 failed attempts to get the dragon's head right.
51. If you do get fined over your library books, never cry in front of the librarian.
52. Never get a van that doesn't break down between gigs, it will ruin your street cred.
53. Ensure adequate ventilation in the van after a sweaty gig, especially once all the band have hung up their leather trousers (with the lace up crouches)
54. Remember, GENTLEMEN help each other out of their tight leather trousers (with lace up crouches) after hot sweaty gigs.
55. Do not wear the socks you had down the front of your leather pants after the show without washing them first.
56. Always pretend you are enjoying yourself and are wild and wind-swept like a white stallion running free.
57. If you are going to take your shirt off on stage, don't forget the baby oil (an old Manowar trick)
58 Watch 'The Neverending Story' every day.
59. Power metal is Troo and you are Troo for playing it. No one knows how to play Metal properly except people in Power metal bands, and you in particular.
60. Running around a forest with a battleaxe is cool UNLESS you are wearing corpse paint.
61. Singers- Let each band member kick you in the groin before a performance to make sure you can hit those high notes
62: Not only do you believe Dragons still exist, you know it, you’ve seen one.
63: You must have read AD&D Dungeon Master's Guide to qualify to sing on stage
64. Black Metal is just Manowar records played backwards.
65. Jon Schaffer would be one of us if he played solos.
66. Warrell Dane would be one of us if he hadn't given up his falsetto.
67. Those angry violent Death Metal folks are just afraid to get in touch with their Middle-Earth side.
68. Accentuate the "T" when you sing the word "meTal".
69. Rhyme "fire" with "desire" as many times as possible throughout your career.
70. Don't try and convert black metal fans. They really don't like Hammerfall.
71. There is nothing wrong with handcuffs or bullet belts
72. Always bring a crash helmet to a party, even if you come by bus
73. Turn your bike off in the bedroom, it kills the romance.
74. ‘666’ is the number of the beast, not six hundred and sixty six
75. Be tolerant to drunkards and beer men who take the piss.
76. Take your learner plates off your bike before the photo shoot
77. If you have to fix your bike in the living room, use a drip tray under the sump, and don't put the valves down on the carpet, you'll contaminate them.
78. Look up contaminated.
79. Track down 'A Quiet Night In' LP, whose cover shows a stripped down bike in a living room with newspapers on the floor soaking up the oil and a biker flat on his back with a newspaper over his head sleeping it off, whilst his girl in leopard skin pants reads a woman’s magazine, and try and imitate it.
80. Play ‘Wheels of Steel’ 23 times on the trot then get your electricity cut off by your neighbours who have access to your power supply, then sleep it off in the car with your girl and be woken up by twenty odd guys running over the top of your car roof with hob nail boots at 6am in the morning. Hasn’t everybody?
81. You must listen to a Manowar, Blind Guardian, Labyrinth, Rhapsody or Kamelot CD every day unless you have a doctor’s note.
82. No one really thinks you're gay
83. Guitarists: If in doubt, do a guitar solo
84. The only thing that matters is the number of notes you can widdle per second
85. If in doubt, do another guitar solo
86. When doing a dual guitar solo, never be the first to finish
87. The rest of the band are there to support your wonderful guitar soloing and it is their only wish to see you play it endlessly.
88. Tune guitars before you go, they're close enough for Rock 'n' Roll.
89. Never use dwarfs on stage. It didn't work for Spinal Tap and it didn't work for Ronnie James Dio
90. Never scratch your arse in the shower and bite your fingernails, unless of course you are still wearing your leather trousers.
92. Put on a loin cloth and go hold up your Conan the Barbarian sword on the local heath in a thunderstorm and wait for the lightening to strike it to give you the power of Thor!
93 If Conan the Barbarian lost a bit of flab and put on a bit of muscle, he’d look as good as you.
94. Always stand with your legs wide apart with your hands over your crouch, especially if someone wants to take your picture.
95. There is nothing funny about a bullet belt.
96. There is nothing funny about Spinal Tap
97. There is nothing funny about Power Metal
98. Never forget that you are THE lord of the Ring.
99. Power Metal does not follow a formula, it just keeps a tradition alive.
100. Dream of a return to the glory of British steel when dragons roamed the Earth passing on their might and wisdom, their honour and justice to the true, and dispatching swift punishment to all others.
101. Keep on widdling \m/
102. It’s not the size of the Falsetto that matters, it’s what you do with it
103. Don’t compare Falsettos in the shower or people will think you are gay
104. Your band isn’t a 5th rate rip-off of Iron Maiden, Halloween or Judas Priest, you’re keeping tradition alive
105. If you are given the choice to either march or die, chose the former.
106. Your record collection is better that everybody else’s.
107. Vinyl is not just for making pants out off
108. …or covering kitchen floors with.
109. Hail Odin!
110. Completely clad your home in leather
111. Don’t call your girlfriend a big tittied metal bitch if she is bigger than you (and she probably is)
112. Only wimps and posers wear Jethro Tull T-Shirts
113. Listening to Manowar will make your chest hair grow.
114. Listen to too much Manowar and you'll end up looking like a gorilla.
115. Talk about marching into battle at ever opportunity
116. Sit around the campfire and tell long stories of the times you have talked about marching into battle
117. The halls of Valhalla are only the discussion of a battle away
118. Never blow your friend’s horn
119. If someone says Power Metal is just New Wave of British Heavy Metal that’s no longer New or British, stick your long sword up their arse.
120. Be buried in your furry loin cloth
121. Photoshots with women should ideally position them on the floor worshipping your thighs
122. The only tr00 modes of transport are Harleys, white Unicorns and Longboats
123. Power corrupts, Power Metal corrupts absolutely
124. It's never too dark to wear sunglasses
125. Power Metellers don't catch the bus in the morning, they 'Ride into the dawn'
126. Crave the dragon
127. Let sleeping dragons lie
128. Put something back into the community and play your guitar solos to the patients in the terminally ill ward at the local hospital. It will make their last days seem like years.
129. Never use a backing vocalist when you can use a choir, never use a choir when you can use a synthesiser.
130. Orchestras are NOT limited to Dimmu Borgir records
131. Classical instruments are not limited to Peccatum records
132. At gigs, act out your songs with fancy sets (Spinal Tap have already done Stonehenge)
133. Beards are not epic
134. If Pantera sang in falsetto, they would be Power Metal
135. Release your albums on Limb Music Productions
136. Create your own fantasy world and live in it.
137. Only sing songs about your fantasy world.
138. Only talk about your fantasy world.
139. A true friend is someone who lives in the same fantasy world as you.
140. True warriors drink their beer out of horns.
141. Don't play with your horn at the bar, and make sure you see rule 118.
142. Talk endlessly about how much beer you can drink whilst talking endlessly about all the battles you've been in.
143. True Mettellers can tell the difference between European Power Metal, US Power Metal, NWOBHM and Epic Doom. False Metellers can't.
144. European Power Metal is about looking good. US Power Metal, NWOBHM and Epic Doom is about not.
145. Don't say Hello! Say Hail!